Aware

There is something in my body that does not belong there. That is the easiest way to say it. No test has found it. Can't find a doctor who believes anything but tests. It has grown. Some days it is worse than others. I can hardly describe what it does inside me (and I'm damn tired of trying!) But I will say that it moves and it hurts. I have learned to focus myself around the pain and through it sometimes. This makes my case even weaker. It would be more distinct if I walked around with a grimace. I can't seem to make it evident though. I even push the triggers; caffeine, exertion, lack of sleep, in hopes that something will manifest and I'll start vomiting blood or pass out cold or something. I wish it were easier. I wish I knew if I was dying. For lack of an answer, I assume I'm dying. Not because I'm negative or glum, but because it helps me to really take in special moments. We're all dying. I am not scared anymore. I imagined for years I would be. I watched others who were sick and I didn't think I could ever be brave enough to die. Now I realize, if it's not today it will be tomorrow and so on and so on. I am still not brave. I am just aware. I never thought I would be but I am. When I wake up in the morning, the pain will just be there, like my shoes, waiting for me. It will be lighter in the morning, evident in the afternoon and perhaps only painful at night. And I'll sleep better tonight just because I took time to express myself.