Spare the Rod!

This weekend was a difficult one for our family. Friday night and most of Saturday, my daughter had a severe case of constipation. She had been constipated a few weeks ago and developed some painful after effects from straining to go. With the pain where it was, any movement (even breathing) could cause the muscle to spasm and result in pain so severe that I could feel my small child, my little girl, begging for mercy. Over and over she asked, "Why is this happening to me?".  After an E.R. visit and a subsequent appointment with her pediatrician, we were given instructions so we could help her have a bowel movement. On the parenting front, we tried negotiations, treat bribes and even borderline threats. She fought it. Though we promised her the pain would be less if she could let it happen, she could only deal with the pain as it came and was not able to see past it.

Both the ER and the office visit included probing, as to view the area. Despite gently talking her through how this would happen, in both instances restraining was necessary. Fierce cries accompanied each exam; cries for survival from her perspective. We did everything we knew how. It really was in this five-year-old's hands to conquer her fear and find relief. It felt tempting at times to scold her for not doing what she needed to do. Prayer and contemplation brought us back to what we knew for sure: our daughter was suffering and she needed us to be the light at the end of the tunnel. These toileting issues could really scar her and we needed to avoid that. After complete surrender and all of us collapsing in bed, she woke in the middle of the night and pooped, gathering us to admire her progress and drawing praise for her accomplishment. Things were smooth from there. She played like she was seeing sunshine for the first time. We relaxed and enjoyed her.

I share this situation, a slice of our family life, to demonstrate the complexities of parenting. I'm not telling any of you parents anything you don't already know. It's a hard job. We all love our children and we all (at every moment) do the best we can with what we have. Our girl is still just a baby. We haven't even gotten to the teen years yet. We don't have the experience and the years of parenting that many do. But I discourage passing judgment from whatever piece of earth you have to look down from. While there are some real specific, obvious places to show tenderness in our example, tenderness is something children can never get too much of. It may be a harsh world we are sending our children out into but that does not always justify the harshness with which we parent, especially hoping to hurry the results of our discourse on life to our children.

My wife and I have an agreement that we will not spank, slap, hit or resort to any violent acts as a way of disciplining our daughter. To observers in the grocery store, I'm sure we sometimes look like very permissive parents. To some extent, this is true. Often a behavior will be permitted until we are in a good place to deal with a disciplinary act, if one is deemed necessary. If the behavior is a negative one toward another person (child or adult), we will remind her about how she needs to treat the other person and prompt her to apologize. We did not feel it was necessary to discipline her for her screams of terror in the doctor's office, nor did she (or we) apologize.

Our most frequent mode of discipline is revoking privileges. This is much more effective now that she is five and has a clear memory of previous occasions when things have been taken away. When she was younger, we had to be creative and figure out ways to illustrate right from wrong in a more immediate fashion. Time Out was more effective than we thought it would be. It only took two or three times for her to understand she had to stay in the room and after that the door was only opened when we determined enough time had passed to make the impact we were aiming for. Not all of our efforts succeed. I may be wrong, but I don't believe corporal punishment is full-proof either.

In my opinion, the hardest line to draw as parents is the line between respect and fear. When I raise my voice, my daughter fears me (mostly because I don't do it often). I try to choose carefully when to take that tool out of the box. I also try to evaluate the reason I come down on her. Is it about me or about her? Am I tired and easily frustrated because of other stressors in my life? Is her behavior a reaction to something that is really unfair; possibly something she perceives as unjust? The majority of situations that require discipline seem to be about safety or protection. These things deserve an explanation, especially if my reaction is sudden and physical. Pulling her out of the way when a car is coming is clearly protection. Refusing an excess of sweets is about protecting her teeth and her blood sugar, not just because I'm mean. She needs to know that, even if I have said it before. I can count on my fingers the times that I have said to her, "Because I said so!" Respect needs to be mutual. The parent-child rule book (to me) is not written completely by the parent. My opposition to corporal punishment is that I feel my daughter is a person; shorter than me, yes (for now) but clearly a human being created in God's image.

I have long been committed to non-violence and I have made my relationship with my little girl part of that commitment. I don't see a distinction between hitting my daughter when I want to make a point and hitting my wife when she doesn't see things my way. I know a lot of people feel differently about how to deal with a child's challenging behaviors. I try to offer a hand if I see someone else struggling. I enjoy making faces at the child in the grocery cart in front of me. Occasionally, I smile at a parent and tell them that I share their distress. I will say something positive that I have observed about their child; something they may even be able to take some credit for (i.e. "I love her nails. Did you do them?") I'll say it again; parenting is hard. Us parents know that. It's a heck of a good reason for us to support each other. I am part of a few groups of families that do things together on a regular basis. We know each others' children and we are familiar with each others' parenting styles. We give each other plenty of support. The African proverb rings true- It takes a village to raise a child.

 

I want to give some honorable mentions here: To my Mothers and the rest of my family(s) in the Midwest, thank you for casting the cloud of your love over many miles and cleansing our daughter with your hope and purity. To Vale's Abuela and those families and friends in Mexico, Muchas gracias por amar a Valeria tan profundamente y dándole una segunda casa. To my in-law families who take part in raising Valeria every day, thanks for all of the unselfish acts that fall like raindrops on our girl, contributing to her growth and flowering confidence- you rock! To our Re-evaluation Counseling, Meeting Ground, Deep Roots and Catholic Worker friends, we are on a long journey together and it is a pleasure to travel with all of you who have such a deep commitment to a world where children are welcomed and valued. To my other-brother- from-a-different-mother (Todd), thank you for all of the times that you stopped to hold Vale' in your bubble of love, especially when I was on a break and didn't have my fun cap on- you are deep in her heart (and mine too) for forever. Finally, to my Dad who loved to wrestle on the living room floor, I hold Valeria up to you and ask that you breathe the breath of heaven into the wind that blows our way.